Actually I don’t know how I would answer such a question. Depending on how well I know you, I would reference the Alcoholics Anonymous recommendation of taking "one day at a time.” But there is more to marriage than just working the “one day at a time” theory.
But before I get the meat of this let me say humor is a big portion of our marriage. If you can't laugh at each other and most importantly yourself, it's going to make you and your marriage miserable.
You see I think of a marriage as a bond with you, another person, AND God. Without God in our relationship we would have hung it up LONG ago. I admit I'm not the easiest to live with.
Julia: Yeah, there’ve been a few challenges along our road.
Doug: We bring to our marriages our past, present, and future. Any time you merge so much into one house (your baggage, my baggage, and our religion) there is going to be problems. This is one reason it's so important to have a full understanding of marriage and your spouse before you get married.
"You can never make your partner change or be different. You can only change how you deal with, respond to, and conduct yourself towards him or her."
Source: Douglas LaBier, Ph.D. "A Declining Relationship? Recharge It Through 'Indifference.'" PsychologyToday.com 4/22/2010.
Some churches understand this and some even require couples go through pre marriage sessions to talk about the differences between the bride and groom. Topics like morals, finances, children, and even sex. So if you can't change your future spouse its best to know about these things before you get married. Even having these topics out in the open will help you get off to the right start.
What about after you get married? I think too many people are too quick to throw up their arms, give up, and run from a relationship.
Here are a few things you can use to help your relationship with your spouse. I found these at http://lessonsforahappymarriage.com/relationship-advice-blog.html
Try these 7 ideas in your marriage. They are guaranteed to improve your marital communications
1) Before you speak to your spouse ask yourself if what you are about to say is one of the 3 C’s. You never want to criticize, complain to, or condemn your spouse. They are your best friend and it is good to treat them that way
2) Find legitimate reasons to compliment your spouse’s appearance, efforts, or intelligence. If you sincerely do this at least twice a day (more is better) your spouse will be a happier person. They are your best friend; it is good to treat them that way
3) Tell your spouse “I love you” for no reason whatsoever; they are your lover and it is good to remind each other
4) Any time you need to bring something up be incredibly polite; treat them better than you would anyone else. They are more important to you than anyone else
5) Always ask if now is a good time to chat before you start into something that needs thought; being respectful is a way to express love
6) Be a good listener so you can learn what is important to your spouse. Asking what they like in all areas gives you love ammunition
7) Express gratitude for your spouse to your spouse and anyone else who will listen
One step I found oddly missing though is God. What makes us think God did not bring us together?
And the Lord God said, 'It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him'" (Gen. 2:18).
"Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. And Adam said:
'This is now bone of my bone
And flesh of my flesh;
She shall be called Woman,
Because she was taken out of Man.'
Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." (Gen. 2:22-24)
But when there are problems in our marriages we turn away from God find it easy to run from a spouse and God. I have found that the further I push God out of our marriage the worse our marriage gets. The closer we are to God the better I is.
Knowing this Julia and I have done a couple things in our lives to foster our lives together and with God.
1) Know and understand God is the center of our marriage. Without God we would not be married.
2) Brought God into our family. We attend church regularly. We are active in our church, and encourage our children to do so also.
3) We brought God into our house. We have many reminders of God in our house and his importance in our lives.
4) We PRAY. Both at bed time and ANY time. Pray for God's love in our marriage, lives, and family.
Julia: I know you’re on a pretty good roll here with the blog but I want to add one thing. Don’t think you’re alone. We seem to get the impression that we have to hide when things between us are tumultuous. We act on the outside like everything is peachy but on the inside, we’re crumbling. Through our experiences, even in the last six months, the greatest new thing I learned was that it’s ok to share our experiences. There’s nothing wrong with saying that we’re actively working on our marriage. In fact, when people have shared their struggles with me, I’ve always admired their ability to work on it. So why has it been different for us? Dunno. What I do know that it’s worth working on and allowing others in our lives to support us in good times and bad. So I need to let that happen. And in our prayer life, I continue to need to pray that my mind is open to receive the gift of friendships through others and allow them inside the four walls to help us in our marriage.
Doug: I found the following prayer and found it a great way to center our marriage in God.
PRAYER FOR HUSBANDS AND WIVES.
Lord, inspire those men and women who bear the titles "Husband" and "Wife". Help them to look to You to themselves to one another to rediscover the fullness and mystery they once felt in their union. Let them be honest enough to ask: "Where have we been together and where are we going? Let them be brave enough to question: "How have we failed?" Let each be foolhardy enough to say: "For me, we come first". Help them, together to reexamine their commitment in the light of Your love, willingly, openly, compassionately.
God Bless you all and my marriage.